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On Dieting

 I love my neighbors, two wacky gay men with a truckload of domesticated animals and a fondness for horror films.


For this reason, I'm indulgent when my neighbors become a bit overly excited about board games, or about the Hulu series Under the Banner of Heaven. Have I myself not occasionally talked too much about Sondheim? Have I not bored a listener with unwanted biographical reporting on Beverly Cleary?

But my patience wears thin when we begin to talk about dieting. I don't believe in diets. I think they are punitive and ineffective. I think they are a way to ensure that you will ultimately gain weight. I have evidence, too: After reporting gleefully on their food successes, my neighbors inevitably gain weight. And a period of sadness sets in. And the roller-coaster ride begins again.

I've rarely, if ever, seen religious zeal that matches my neighbors' feelings for the KETO diet. One day, these two arrived at my house, and they just began unspooling many lengthy stories about life without carbohydrates. I didn't ask anything; certainly, I kept my skepticism to myself, but I wasn't encouraging. I was hearing about special graphs, Google docs, a lusted-for state called "ketosis," which made me think of Anthony Perkins, in "Psycho" .... My neighbors were thrusting dishes at me, as if I'd asked for new dishes. "If you close your eyes, the cabbage tastes like bread!" But I had never said I'd renounced bread. I like bread. I have no intention of replacing it with cabbage.

I do understand. I think I understand. When my neighbors get crazy--"Melted soy vanilla pops almost resemble ice cream!"--I just remember certain thoughts I have about Sondheim. If you stage MERRILY WE ROLL ALONG in a thousand new ways, it might become a coherent show.....If you listen to PASSION regularly for ten to twelve more years, it might become interesting.....

"This is all so great," I say, cheerfully. "It's wonderful that you've found a meal plan that works for you...."
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