Liars and Saints

  As school wraps up, I'm thinking of my favorite commencement speech (a speech by Ann Patchett). Patchett recalls being an undergrad at Sarah Lawrence. She is utterly alone. She has traveled from Tennessee. She has no idea how to spend her time--so she decides to bake cookies for her advisor (who seems like a friendly person). This is--subtly--a metaphor for a writer's life. A writer (or any artist) is someone who feels a weird compulsion to make, make, make. Here, the story becomes something like a fable. Patchett assembles the cookies--but the oven doesn't work. Desperate, she wanders across the road, where she spots a fabulous house. And she asks the owner if she can borrow the oven. The owner happens to be the new president of the college, who has a small family. "And--because I spent time playing with the kids--I was invited back to babysit. And eventually (quickly) I helped to create a little tribe." On some level, Patchett had understood that a tribe was w...

  In the conditional love song, two people have to pair off *without* pairing off. We in the audience see their chemistry--even if they themselves do *not* see their chemistry. The two halves of the song can be mildly antagonistic ("People Will Say We're in Love"). Or the duet can be reasonably peaceful--but with a "this-is-just-pretend" theme ("They Say It's Wonderful"). It's worth noting that Oscar Hammerstein wrote a disproportionately large number of conditional love songs. And--though Irving Berlin *apparently* wrote "Annie, Get Your Gun"--there is a persistent rumor that Hammerstein was "Gun"'s ghostwriter. My own favorite conditional love song is "I'll Know," from "Guys and Dolls." Ostensibly, the two leads are arguing. Sarah Brown insists that her lover will be a version of Ned Flanders. Sky suggests that love should be a bit less predictable. Sky quietly mocks Sarah, making reference to a...

 My friend tends to "fight back" -- which is a difference between her and me. I have waded into the toxic seas of Facebook -- and the moment someone crazily yells at me, I just delete the post. My friend (by contrast) will calmly type a reply. Or here's another example. It's the Saga of the Lice Comb. My friend's daughter had lice; the lice case was treated; a month went by. A sitter was hired. The sitter uncovered the still-extant lice comb, then made allegations by text message. My friend wrote, "No one in the house has lice." The sitter said, "Still, I'm uncomfortable. You need to come back from New York right now." Next -- however -- my friend retaliated by withholding payment for the evening. "You were hired to do a job, and (without citing a reasonable excuse) you did not do your job. So I am not paying you." I can't help but recall the time that a bus aide had an iPhone out (inappropriately) at work, and my (special-nee...

  The appearance before the parole board is an old chestnut. Recently, in "Sing Sing," Colman Domingo's protagonist showed character by describing the theater program he had developed behind bars. A white interlocutor then asked, "If you're such a good actor, how do I know you're not *performing* the illusion of penitence--right now?" "The Simpsons" does something different. A concerned board asks Sideshow Bob why he has "Die Bart, Die" tattooed on his chest. Bob explains that this is simply German; it means "The Bart, The." And an astute adjudicator says, "If he is fluent in German, then he CAN'T be evil...." Sideshow Bob is channeling De Niro's character from "Cape Fear" ... but, most notably, he is channeling Wile E. Coyote. He gets bashed by a speed bump; he gets hot coffee dumped on his head. He nearly suffocates in Homer's cigar smoke. Homer might *seem* idiotic, but he doesn't have ...

  It's hard not to see links between pre-Revolutionary Russia and today's United States: empires committing suicide, autocrats swindled by charismatic hucksters. Today's Rasputin might be RFK, Pam Bondi, or JD Vance. Antony Beevor's new book on Rasputin suggests that Tsar Nicholas seemed spectacularly incompetent in part *because* of his religious faith. Thousands of peasants would die in horrific ways, and Nicholas would refuse to alter his party plans. This looked cruel (and of course it *was* cruel). But there was context: Nicholas had a fatalistic outlook. He felt that God was pulling the strings. Rending one's garments wouldn't change God's mind. Rasputin succeeded with Nicholas partly because Nicholas was an idiot, but also because Rasputin had a very deep voice. When the heir to the throne was very ill, Rasputin's low, calming voice helped the heir to regulate his own breathing. And the heir recovered. This turn of events was viewed as miraculous....

 Like her papa, my daughter has a healthy disdain for organized fun. I myself cannot stand being at a concert when a B-list celebrity demands that I "clap along now, y'all!" Why should I do that? I find it oppressive. Susie's school danceathon was (typically) disorganized and puzzling. When I arrived, Dua Lipa was singing about her own private parts: Ooh, my outfit so tight! You can see my heartbeat tonight.  I can take the heat, baby; best believe... That's the moment I shine. Susie and I stood together while a stranger explained that we would be performing the chicken dance, the butterfly, the cha-cha slide, the robot, and the twist. I'm sure if I'd read my emails carefully, I'd understand the reason for all of this. My daughter spotted a moth--and wandered away from the crowd. She spent the hour talking to the moth, which reminded me of my "league baseball" days. (I would pick dandelions in the outfield.) One thing I learned was that the c...