Liars and Saints

 Nothing awakens my inner "teen girl" faster than a Colleen Hoover movie. On Saturday, I went (alone) to "Reminders of Him," a heartstopper. Maika Monroe is driving her car--and she has just "bedded" her fiance in a little secluded lake. Her postcoital recklessness means that she does not swerve for a pothole, and so her car is sent flying off the edge of a cliff. She thinks that she has inadvertently killed her fiance--she stumbles away from the car and drinks herself into a blackout state. But--all along--her fiance has been struggling, slowly dying. Maika is charged with vehicular manslaughter; tearfully, she pleads guilty. But she doesn't know that she is pregnant! For seven years, she can't see her child. She can't even have one postpartum day with the kid--the kid goes immediately to the NICU. But--after seven years--Maika gets out of jail and falls for her new employer. It's just an unfortunate twist that her new employer is also the...

  I enjoyed the NYT "Sketch Pad" this weekend -- "How Not to Be the 'Dead Wife in a Movie' Trope." Though the artist doesn't name any particular movies, I believe he is thinking about Rachel Brosnahan in "The Amateur." Also: "Gladiator II." Also: "Deadpool II." The attention to detail is the artist's secret weapon. If you want to stay alive past Act I, you need to fart and be gross. ("Wouldn't it be fun to save all my toenail clippings?") Also, it helps to *ruin* any golden-hour strolls through fields of wheat. (You can do this by making a nutty comment: "I just think it's clear that Kubrick faked the moon landing....") Well done.

  "Hazel's Amazing Mother" is centered on a raccoon, Hazel, who is like a new version of Little Red Ridinghood. She has cash from her mom; her goal is to find goodies for an upcoming picnic. She sets out with her doll, Eleanor, but she keeps getting waylaid. In a dark wood, Hazel encounters a nasty chipmunk--Doris, an agent of chaos. Without explanation, Doris and her minions assault the doll Eleanor. The carriage-toy gets disemboweled. Eleanor is dropped in a puddle. Through the power of filial love, Hazel is able to summon her mother. A great gust of wind carries Mom's picnic blanket-cum-airplane--carries this item way, way, way across the countryside. In the dark wood, Mom rescues Hazel. She puts Doris through a "natural-consequence" workout. ("Fix the doll. Fix the carriage.") And the picnic occurs--just as envisioned. I like Rosemary Wells's sense of freedom. She does not have to "explain" the root cause of Doris's nastiness....

  If I had to choose a favorite title, I might choose "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes." That title! So obnoxious, so shallow--and not untrue. In the middle of the story, the heroine Lorelei complains to her suitor that she can't control her own social life. She can't tell people to stop paying attention to her. It's just that "gentlemen prefer blondes--like me." And her suitor has a memorable reply: "What am *I* to do....if they keep on...PREFERRING you?" This is a sharp, dirty musical. It's famous for "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend." This song is an I AM song--the heroine has a message for us. The message is this: "I am FUCKING  SMART . Don't forget it." Men grow cold-- As girls grow old. And we all lose our charms in the end. But...square cut or pear-shaped... THESE ROCKS don't lose THEIR shape. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Diamonds are interesting not because they are beautiful. Diamonds are intere...

 Like many other parents, I spend the day wondering, What would Barack Obama do ? He always seems so unflappable. When little Malia needed to see the dentist, and there were no community-organizer duties on Barack's calendar, we can imagine that there was a father-daughter outing. And this wasn't stress-free. I have decided that Barack packed a novel for these obligations; he seems to enjoy books. And so--for my most recent trip to the Marigold Pediatric Dental Group--I brought along a book about Hannibal Lecter. People see you reading a scholarly essay about cannibalism--and they're not eager to make chit-chat. They do not breathlessly narrate the story of your daughter's teeth. They do not tell you about the "sugar bugs" on the top front tooth--and so you do not have to pretend to be interested in the sugar bugs. (Our culture wants you to pretend--and our culture wants you to feel bad about *not* actually being interested.) But this is the only advice I have...

 I tried to get lost in "Frankenstein," but the story seemed dry. Yes, Guillermo del Toro has an artistic gift; it's fun to see the polar ice caps, the flowy Mia Goth gowns, the Victorian mansion. But I never "felt for" Victor Frankenstein; Lorrie Moore says you need to "bake life" into a work of art, and del Toro's movie seems to have overlooked the "life" part of the recipe. But this is an occasion to "nominate" some worthy overlooked performances. If I could control the Oscars, I would make room for Harry Meling, but I'd also make room for the following: Liam Neeson, "The Naked Gun" Eva Victor, "Sorry, Baby" Josh O'Connor, "Rebuilding" Jack Quaid, "Novocaine" Jai Courtney, "Dangerous Animals" Lest we forget. These were examples of great work.