Skip to main content

Gifts of Being Closeted

-There are two greasy older boys at your all-boy Catholic high school who will somehow discern that you are gay, and will call out your name in a mincing voice and push you into lockers. Be crafty! There is a chapel in your school building. Certain Catholics—and these are truly the weirdos, the daffiest of the daffy in your deeply daffy school—gather there to get a Communion wafer Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, before class. There’s the deeply troubled Christian Brother who stands at four feet, has no teaching duties, and seems to possess neither working shampoo nor the power of speech. There’s the addled biology teacher who speaks like a Muppet and displays an ABORTION KILLS CHILDREN bumper sticker on the front of his desk. If you attend services with these loonies, then the bullies cannot get to you for a few hours every Monday, Wednesday, Friday. It may be, as you suffer through the tedious mass, that you actually think of Bette Midler, the hooker in Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame. She, too, sought sanctuary from her persecutors in the warm embrace of a big, old church. “God help the outcasts, the weak and down-trod! I thought we all were Children of God!” You might think of Scottish debtors, ducking into the monastery at Holyrood, aware that their private Javerts could not seize them while they were rooted in Holy Ground. You are Bette Midler! You are the Scottish debtors! And this is the main gift of being closeted: A feverish, over-active imagination.

-When you discover masturbation, it’s such a delight that you’re sure it’s sinful. You decide to ration the experience. It will occur once per week, on Wednesdays. This is in keeping with a Catholic ethos: Flay yourself, so that you have nothing to give either to your own soul or to the people in your life. Wander around bitchy and repressed all the time, like all of your neighbors. The Wednesday ration system doesn’t work. Masturbate all the time. When you peruse your brother’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, note that you might actually be having a pleasurable biological reaction to a woman in a bikini. Deny the following thought: She’s actually pictured with her husband, a linebacker, in the photo, and the husband is in a Speedo. Deny this thought: For a virginal teenager, the idea of sex with any sentient being, regardless of gender, is exciting. Toned flesh is toned flesh; you are sixteen, and it’s likely you could ejaculate while viewing photos of a particularly healthy and well-groomed goat. Deny, deny, deny. Repress, repress. Stare at the bikini as you cum—and offer that heterosexual semen to Jesus!

-If you are a closeted North Tonawandan teenager in the late nineties, this means you get to take theater classes. Your parents will drop you off in silence, and late; the chronic lateness is like a billboard, e.g. WE ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS BUT DOING OUR BEST! Your acting coach is the first gay person you’ll know; he’s also the first African-American man in your life. (It has taken only sixteen years! The wonders of theater! This coach works at the school that once trained Buffalo’s sole gift to the world—Christine Baranski—and, gurl, this man can offer you some opinions about Christine Baranski.) The other, later gay person in your adolescence, your future English teacher, will be a bit circumspect about his private life; you’ll discern the fact of his homosexuality mainly from his Ethel Merman voice-mail message, and from his fondness for Truman Capote. But that acting coach? His stage name is Ainsley Valentine. He sashays. He spends time on the drag circuit at Buffalo’s Club Marcella, and he really, really wants you to put down all your Neil Simon scripts. “Honey,” he says, “read some Luigi Pirandello. Read A Cheever Evening. The abortion story. There is a WORLD out there, and you are not going to encounter it if you keep skimming your way through Barefoot in the Park.” Listen closely. Do your Stanislavski homework. Fold yourself into a ball, and shudder. Scream. You are recreating the Battle of Dunkirk for a small audience. There’s praise, afterward, but pretend not to hear it. You aren’t in this for the accolades. You are simply serving the gods of art.


Those, Small Kid, are the gifts of being closeted. Lest anyone tell you that that experience was not rich and worth recording. It was, and it is. More later on this Crazy Business Called Life.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

How to Host a Baby

-You have assumed responsibility for a mewling, puking ball of life, a yellow-lab pup. He will spit his half-digested kibble all over your shoes, all over your hard-cover edition of Jennifer Haigh's novel  Faith . He will eat your tables, your chairs, your "I {Heart] Montessori" magnet, placed too low on the fridge. When you try to watch Bette Davis in  Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte , on your TV, your dog will bark through the murder-prologue, for no apparent reason. He will whimper through Lena Dunham's  Girls , such that you have to rewind several times to catch every nuance of Andrew Rannells's ad-libbing--and, still, you'll have a nagging suspicion you've missed something. Your dog will poop on the kitchen floor, in the hallway, between the tiny bars of his crate. He'll announce his wakefulness at 5 AM, 2 AM, or while you and another human are mid-coitus. All this, and you get outside, and it's: "Don't let him pee on my tulips!" When...

Joshie

  When I was growing up, a class birthday involved Hostess cupcakes. Often, the cupcakes would come in a shoebox, so you could taste a leathery residue (during the party). Times change. You can't bring a treat into a public school, in 2024, because heaven knows what kind of allergies might lurk, in unseen corners, in the classroom. But Joshua's teacher will allow: a dance party, a pajama day, or a guest reader. I chose to bring a story for Joshua's birthday (observed), but I didn't think through the role that anxiety might play in this interaction. We talk, in this house, quite a bit about anxiety; one game-changer, for J, has been a daily list of activities, so that he knows exactly what to expect. He gets a look of profound satisfaction when he sees the agenda; it doesn't really matter what the specific events happen to be. It's just about knowing, "I can anticipate X, Y, and Z." Joshua struggled with his celebration. He wore his nervousness on his f...

Josh at Five

 Joshie's project is "flexibility"; the goal is to see that a plan is just an idea, not a gospel, not a guarantee. This is difficult. Yesterday, we went to a restaurant--billed as "open," with unlocked doors--and the owner informed us of an "error in advertising." But Joshie couldn't accept the word "closed." He threw himself on the floor, then climbed on the furniture. I felt for the owner, until he nervously made a reference to "the glass windows." He imagined that my child might toss himself through a sealed window, like Mary Katherine Gallagher, or like Bruce Willis, in "Die Hard." Then--thank the Lord!--I was able to laugh. The thing that really has therapeutic value for Joshie is: a firetruck. If we are out in public, and he spots a parked truck, he wants to climb on each surface. He breathlessly alludes to the wheels, the door, the windows. If an actual fire station ("fire ocean," in Joshie's parla...