Memoir: My Father

"The baby will be a boy," I say on the phone, and my ever-circumspect father responds: "Good." That is the extent of the response.

I could say, here, that many gay male couples opt to go the "boy" route--if an option is available--perhaps because the struggles of boyhood are struggles well-known to gay men. I could mention my father-in-law, who is less mysterious than my father, and who says, whenever I bring up the baby, "That's so strange." He's referring to the idea of two men procreating. He always smiles and says, "Very, very strange."

My father and I don't talk about these things. Instead, we lean on current events, which are a favorite kind of crutch in my family. I tend to see metaphors in these current-event discussions--because I see metaphors in everything--and I imagine, if you knew all the crazy depth I attribute to casual remarks, you would roll your eyes and say, "A cigar can be just a cigar."

The current event of the day: Tiger Woods. Risen from the ashes.

"A great athlete," says my father. "Not a great guy. But a great athlete."

I venture a suggestion. I wonder aloud if Tiger's public shaming has brought about some kind of character reformation. If the very dramatic--and very painful--way in which Tiger's lies were exposed....was maybe a gift for Tiger, a way for him to confront himself and change his behavior.

My father listens, and perhaps he rolls his eyes. "A great athlete," he repeats. "Maybe not such a great guy."

I think about what I know of Tiger Woods and his own father. How Tiger was sculpted to be a golfing machine. How something went wrong--at some point--and how filial bonds were so frayed, at the end, that Tiger didn't really even acknowledge his own father's death. And I remember the gratitude I feel toward *my* own father, who has gone from near-wordless intolerance to an active role in the Buffalo chapter of PFLAG.

None of this is stated.

The call ends politely, and a few days pass. An article arrives in the mail. It's from my father, from "The Buffalo News." It's about everyday education. It argues that, if you have a baby, you should make a point of explaining what you are doing, for your baby, on a regular basis. "Now I am cracking the egg." "Now I am adding the butter." "Now I am scrambling everything."

The thesis is that these explanations will plant a seed in your kid: Your kid will begin to learn not only how to scramble an egg, but also how to communicate.

It's a nice clipping to receive--the thing my father meant to mention during his phone call. The thought he had while looking in the rearview mirror, while driving away.

I haven't acknowledged this gesture yet, but at least I'm saving the article....