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Teacher Man

I have been a substitute teacher now for a year--it's something that gets tossed in with some general secretarial duties--and I've had several of my own sins visited upon me. The errors I made as a teacher? The cavalier way I treated subs? I see things differently now.

Here is some advice, if you're ever called to sub, and the advice might travel the spectrum from philosophical to extremely specific:

*Rely heavily on "The Magic Schoolbus." It's not a great show. The character development is thin. There's always a lengthy, tedious interlude with heavy exposition (and my eyes always glaze over). BUT: There is a hyperactive background score and there are many bright colors. It's amazing how much tedium you can tolerate if the music and color scheme are continuously shifting. Trust me on this.

Also, you may have a Netflix account, but many SmartBoards have weird issues with "Silverlight" or some other tech-problem nonsense. And when you're a sub, you generally need to act fast. Go to YouTube, and type in "SchoolBus." You are allowed to do this whenever your students are in a grade below fifth, and whenever the lesson plan is sketchy in any way. And here's another bit of news for subs: The lesson plan is *always* sketchy.

*Ask for help. Find the staffer who is low-key. The one you wouldn't mind bumping into if you're at the copier at 3 AM. The one who practices meditation and asks questions and listens. There is often *at least* one. (There is often *at most* one.) It doesn't matter if this person is not an administrator (she won't be); it doesn't matter if this person is actually not even a teacher. Request her moral support. Attack the tough class together. Then buy her a latte, or cover her lunch duty for her. All of this is crucial.

*No one actually knows what he or she is doing. It's all make-believe. I tend to forget this more frequently than I would wish.

*Learn names and assign seats. Have a vision for the hour, even if the decisions you make are fully arbitrary. Commit to your vision. Children--like adults--will often behave if they sense the person in charge has a plan (regardless of how bizarre the plan is).

*You get to eat whatever you want when you are subbing. If you believe a hot chocolate will make you less homicidal, then you need to go out and buy the hot chocolate. No further questions. Just do it. The investment pays off.

That's all I can offer--and I wish you luck. This is my TED talk.
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