Skip to main content

Barbara Walters: "The View"

A book rises and falls on the strength of its characters. “Ladies who Punch” is a history of Barbara Walters’s “The View.” And so here are the characters you get:

*Rosie O’Donnell. Raped by her father, neglected by her mother. Embroiled in a one-way pseudo-love-affair with Elisabeth Hasselbeck. (“She played sports in college. I’m sure she is secretly gay.”) Rosie: blithely laying out conspiracy theories on TV. Rosie: publicly outing Clay Aiken while masquerading as a defender of Clay Aiken. (Rosie is forever and always the star of this show. Dismissed and re-hired. Watched closely by Donald Trump: “She’ll be back.”)

*Tina Fey: “Of course we spoofed THE VIEW on SNL. We needed to create roles for women. You’re telling me I’m tearing down women? I’m giving women a spotlight. Of course a man needed to play Star Jones because -- deep sigh -- we had zero black women on SNL.”

*Whoopi Goldberg: She wins an Oscar for GHOST; things are going well. Then she speaks out against Dubyah: “You know, I love bush, always, but this Bush needs to make his exit.” People find the joke distasteful; Whoopi suffers a serious professional blow. She revives herself with THE VIEW. Rosie can’t stand her and suspects she is “phoning in” her performance, day after day.

*Barbara Walters: A crowning achievement was asking Monica whether--in the world of oral sex--Bill Clinton had been simply a catcher, or a pitcher/catcher combo.

*Debbie Matenopoulos, Lisa Ling, Elisabeth Hasselbeck. All fired. Matenopoulos won the job by saying, in an audition, that Madonna was among the major world-shapers of the twentieth century. (Scandalous!) But Matenopoulous rarely knew what she was talking about. So: Bring in Lisa. Lisa always knew what she was talking about, but perhaps she was too dry. Bring in reality-TV star Hasselbeck. (It was at THIS point that the tradition of hiring a young conservative came about, not sooner. Ling had been left-leaning.) Hasselebeck had the great honor of becoming a petulant Kristen Wiig character, among my favorite characters in world history. Who could ask for anything more?

“Ladies who Punch” is maybe the most entertaining book I’ve ever read. Two thumbs up!
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How to Host a Baby

-You have assumed responsibility for a mewling, puking ball of life, a yellow-lab pup. He will spit his half-digested kibble all over your shoes, all over your hard-cover edition of Jennifer Haigh's novel  Faith . He will eat your tables, your chairs, your "I {Heart] Montessori" magnet, placed too low on the fridge. When you try to watch Bette Davis in  Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte , on your TV, your dog will bark through the murder-prologue, for no apparent reason. He will whimper through Lena Dunham's  Girls , such that you have to rewind several times to catch every nuance of Andrew Rannells's ad-libbing--and, still, you'll have a nagging suspicion you've missed something. Your dog will poop on the kitchen floor, in the hallway, between the tiny bars of his crate. He'll announce his wakefulness at 5 AM, 2 AM, or while you and another human are mid-coitus. All this, and you get outside, and it's: "Don't let him pee on my tulips!" When...
3 comments
Read more

Joshie

  When I was growing up, a class birthday involved Hostess cupcakes. Often, the cupcakes would come in a shoebox, so you could taste a leathery residue (during the party). Times change. You can't bring a treat into a public school, in 2024, because heaven knows what kind of allergies might lurk, in unseen corners, in the classroom. But Joshua's teacher will allow: a dance party, a pajama day, or a guest reader. I chose to bring a story for Joshua's birthday (observed), but I didn't think through the role that anxiety might play in this interaction. We talk, in this house, quite a bit about anxiety; one game-changer, for J, has been a daily list of activities, so that he knows exactly what to expect. He gets a look of profound satisfaction when he sees the agenda; it doesn't really matter what the specific events happen to be. It's just about knowing, "I can anticipate X, Y, and Z." Joshua struggled with his celebration. He wore his nervousness on his f...
2 comments
Read more

Josh at Five

 Joshie's project is "flexibility"; the goal is to see that a plan is just an idea, not a gospel, not a guarantee. This is difficult. Yesterday, we went to a restaurant--billed as "open," with unlocked doors--and the owner informed us of an "error in advertising." But Joshie couldn't accept the word "closed." He threw himself on the floor, then climbed on the furniture. I felt for the owner, until he nervously made a reference to "the glass windows." He imagined that my child might toss himself through a sealed window, like Mary Katherine Gallagher, or like Bruce Willis, in "Die Hard." Then--thank the Lord!--I was able to laugh. The thing that really has therapeutic value for Joshie is: a firetruck. If we are out in public, and he spots a parked truck, he wants to climb on each surface. He breathlessly alludes to the wheels, the door, the windows. If an actual fire station ("fire ocean," in Joshie's parla...
Post a Comment
Read more