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On Hating E-mail

I hate almost everything about email, and one thing I especially hate is the autoreply.

I hate the autoreply because I feel it shouldn't have to exist; I feel, when I am on vacation from my job, the thought of even *drafting* an email to me should be barred from entering any colleague's head.

If I were to write an honest autoreply, it would be this:

What are you doing? There is truly nothing that you and I need to discuss for the next week, via email or any other kind of communication. Whatever you wrote below? I won't be reading it when I return. Try again in twelve to fourteen days.

Since this isn't possible, I have gone with the following:

Thank you for your email; I will be away for the week. If there is an urgent matter, please contact XXXXXXXXX.

"Thank you for your email" is bullshit; really, it means, "Good God, you're a piece of work." I considered writing, "With urgent matters, please contact...." But that seemed too friendly. There's a subtextual whiff when you write "IF there is an urgent matter...." That IF seems to say: "I really don't believe you when you claim this is urgent."

Well, that's a trip inside my head.

I'm away from the week. I might do some writing from the beach. Happy Fourth of July to you!
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