Skip to main content

Standard Deviations

 I really liked Katherine Heiny's new book, "Early Morning Riser," which is like a sexier, raunchier version of Anne Tyler.

Heiny is interested in human behavior, in absurd moments that could happen in Jane Austen or happen in Curtis Sittenfeld; her work has a timeless quality. 

Here, Heiny describes a married couple. The man was famously promiscuous before settling down. This creates an issue when the couple gets pregnant:

What would they name the baby? Girls' names were problematic because Jane didn't want to give the baby the name of any of Duncan's old girlfriends, which meant they couldn't choose Ann, Annabel, Angela, Barbara, Brandy, Candy, Mandy, Mindy, Lindy, Cindy, Trudy, Judy, Jody, Jill, Jessica, Julie, Jennifer, Gina, Christina, Irina, Regina, Sabrina, Susan, Suzanne, Susannah, Sherry, Barrie, Carrie, Kerry, Mary, Michelle, Isabelle, Noelle, Gabrielle, Janelle, Danielle, Debbie, Denise, Darlene, Darcy, Marcy, or Vicki. And those were only the names he could remember! Lynn, Linda, Leslie, Lorie, Laura, Leah, and Lana were also out because Duncan had had a weeklong affair in 1996 with a woman whose name he never learned but whose initials were believed to be LTR based on the monogrammed towel she'd left behind. It was a nice towel. Jane liked it....

Basically every page is this funny. The writing is both unpretentious and unsentimental.

Also, the book is the most accurate account of teaching second grade that I know of. (One child refuses to walk to the bathroom, because "it's only sometimes there...when I turn left. Sometimes, it's there, and sometimes it's not. When it's not there, I don't pee." Sending a child two doors down to deliver a note to the principal means possibly saying goodbye to a student for a full hour--or even more!)

Additionally, the book captures what it feels like to be a parent of a young child, or children. ("She and her husband could do the nighttime ritual in under twenty minutes, if they picked the shortest lullaby they could think of....")

The book is smart about damage and meanness--how mysterious inner pain can cause people to make a mess. For example, the hero's mother insists on calling a little girl "Patty," when the girl's name is "Patrice." When corrected, the old lady says, in a stupefying way, "I'll use PATTY. We don't all get what we want in this world. The Earth can be a cold place. Patty needs to start to understand that."

I could go on. I'm sorry to have to part with these characters.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

How to Host a Baby

-You have assumed responsibility for a mewling, puking ball of life, a yellow-lab pup. He will spit his half-digested kibble all over your shoes, all over your hard-cover edition of Jennifer Haigh's novel  Faith . He will eat your tables, your chairs, your "I {Heart] Montessori" magnet, placed too low on the fridge. When you try to watch Bette Davis in  Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte , on your TV, your dog will bark through the murder-prologue, for no apparent reason. He will whimper through Lena Dunham's  Girls , such that you have to rewind several times to catch every nuance of Andrew Rannells's ad-libbing--and, still, you'll have a nagging suspicion you've missed something. Your dog will poop on the kitchen floor, in the hallway, between the tiny bars of his crate. He'll announce his wakefulness at 5 AM, 2 AM, or while you and another human are mid-coitus. All this, and you get outside, and it's: "Don't let him pee on my tulips!" When...

The Death of Bergoglio

  It's frustrating for me to hear Bergoglio described as "the less awful pope"--because awful is still awful. I think I get fixated on ideas of purity, which can be juvenile, but putting that aside, here are some things that Bergoglio could have done and did not. (I'm quoting from a survivor of sexual abuse at the hands of the Church.) He could levy the harshest penalty, excommunication, against a dozen or more of the most egregious abuse enabling church officials. (He's done this to no enablers, or predators for that matter.) He could insist that every diocese and religious order turn over every record they have about suspected and known abusers to law enforcement. Francis could order every prelate on the planet to post on his diocesan website the names of every proven, admitted and credibly accused child molesting cleric. (Imagine how much safer children would be if police, prosecutors, parents and the public knew the identities of these potentially dangerous me...

Raymond Carver: "What's in Alaska?"

Outside, Mary held Jack's arm and walked with her head down. They moved slowly on the sidewalk. He listened to the scuffing sounds her shoes made. He heard the sharp and separate sound of a dog barking and above that a murmuring of very distant traffic.  She raised her head. "When we get home, Jack, I want to be fucked, talked to, diverted. Divert me, Jack. I need to be diverted tonight." She tightened her hold on his arm. He could feel the dampness in that shoe. He unlocked the door and flipped the light. "Come to bed," she said. "I'm coming," he said. He went to the kitchen and drank two glasses of water. He turned off the living-room light and felt his way along the wall into the bedroom. "Jack!" she yelled. "Jack!" "Jesus Christ, it's me!" he said. "I'm trying to get the light on." He found the lamp, and she sat up in bed. Her eyes were bright. He pulled the stem on the alarm and b...