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On Gabby Petito

Like most of the country, I'm horrified by the Gabby Petito story. And I keep thinking of a book, "No Visible Bruises," from a few years ago.


Here is how I understand the Petito traffic stop. A guy--Brian Laundrie--is driving around with his girlfriend. He goes three times the speed limit and hits the curb. At this point, he is pulled over.


The police ask for facts. Both Brian (calm) and Gabby (very distraught) seem to agree that Gabby was striking Brian at some point. Also, Brian grabbed Gabby by the jaw, in anger.


Brian says, "Gabby is crazy. She is just crazy." Gabby says, "I just get OCD sometimes, and I apologized, I said I'm so sorry. I have this blog, and he says I'll never go anywhere with it....I was apologizing because I was cleaning up in the back of the vehicle....I was cleaning up too much...."


The police take both stories at face value, conclude that Gabby is the primary aggressor, require Gabby to state that she never intended harm, and then "call it a day." Soon thereafter, Brian strangles and murders Gabby; police spokespeople become smug and defensive and state that "hindsight is 20/20. We couldn't have known the future. We handled this to the best of our ability."


I can't help but wonder what could have happened if more-curious cops would have taken time to think about "she's crazy" and "he tells me I'll never go anywhere with this." And did the cops know these stats: (1) On average, a victim lives with domestic abuse for 2.3 years before getting help. (2) 85% of victims seek help from professionals five times or more before getting adequate help. (3) On average, victims of abuse experience 50 incidents of violence before seeking help.


When I read about Gabby Petito smacking Brian, I see someone attempting to leave; it's an early attempt, and it's a cry for help.


I wonder what would happen if there weren't so much silence around domestic abuse in this country. What would happen if we didn't shrug when a man says, "I just snapped." What would happen if it were possible for people to say, "I'm so frightened by my own behavior and I really, really need help" -- if this kind of admission were not perceived as un-masculine or weak.


Rachel Louise Snyder called her book "No Visible Bruises" because the saying pops up so often in police reports. And it's almost a cop's way of (covertly) admitting, "I haven't done my job." If there aren't visible bruises, there are often *invisible* bruises--and we can sense their presence, and we let the issue slide.


I'm glad the "Missing White Woman Syndrome" is part of national discussions right now. But, also, I  wish people would look at Snyder's work. And I wish that the cops in this case could do some digging, and publicize an honest reflection on their messy afternoon -- something that doesn't simply feel defensive.


P.S. "Cleaning up too much...." What can that mean? Presumably the "too much" verdict came from Brian. This strikes me as controlling behavior, on Brian's part.








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