Skip to main content

On Gabby Petito

Like most of the country, I'm horrified by the Gabby Petito story. And I keep thinking of a book, "No Visible Bruises," from a few years ago.


Here is how I understand the Petito traffic stop. A guy--Brian Laundrie--is driving around with his girlfriend. He goes three times the speed limit and hits the curb. At this point, he is pulled over.


The police ask for facts. Both Brian (calm) and Gabby (very distraught) seem to agree that Gabby was striking Brian at some point. Also, Brian grabbed Gabby by the jaw, in anger.


Brian says, "Gabby is crazy. She is just crazy." Gabby says, "I just get OCD sometimes, and I apologized, I said I'm so sorry. I have this blog, and he says I'll never go anywhere with it....I was apologizing because I was cleaning up in the back of the vehicle....I was cleaning up too much...."


The police take both stories at face value, conclude that Gabby is the primary aggressor, require Gabby to state that she never intended harm, and then "call it a day." Soon thereafter, Brian strangles and murders Gabby; police spokespeople become smug and defensive and state that "hindsight is 20/20. We couldn't have known the future. We handled this to the best of our ability."


I can't help but wonder what could have happened if more-curious cops would have taken time to think about "she's crazy" and "he tells me I'll never go anywhere with this." And did the cops know these stats: (1) On average, a victim lives with domestic abuse for 2.3 years before getting help. (2) 85% of victims seek help from professionals five times or more before getting adequate help. (3) On average, victims of abuse experience 50 incidents of violence before seeking help.


When I read about Gabby Petito smacking Brian, I see someone attempting to leave; it's an early attempt, and it's a cry for help.


I wonder what would happen if there weren't so much silence around domestic abuse in this country. What would happen if we didn't shrug when a man says, "I just snapped." What would happen if it were possible for people to say, "I'm so frightened by my own behavior and I really, really need help" -- if this kind of admission were not perceived as un-masculine or weak.


Rachel Louise Snyder called her book "No Visible Bruises" because the saying pops up so often in police reports. And it's almost a cop's way of (covertly) admitting, "I haven't done my job." If there aren't visible bruises, there are often *invisible* bruises--and we can sense their presence, and we let the issue slide.


I'm glad the "Missing White Woman Syndrome" is part of national discussions right now. But, also, I  wish people would look at Snyder's work. And I wish that the cops in this case could do some digging, and publicize an honest reflection on their messy afternoon -- something that doesn't simply feel defensive.


P.S. "Cleaning up too much...." What can that mean? Presumably the "too much" verdict came from Brian. This strikes me as controlling behavior, on Brian's part.








Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How to Host a Baby

-You have assumed responsibility for a mewling, puking ball of life, a yellow-lab pup. He will spit his half-digested kibble all over your shoes, all over your hard-cover edition of Jennifer Haigh's novel  Faith . He will eat your tables, your chairs, your "I {Heart] Montessori" magnet, placed too low on the fridge. When you try to watch Bette Davis in  Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte , on your TV, your dog will bark through the murder-prologue, for no apparent reason. He will whimper through Lena Dunham's  Girls , such that you have to rewind several times to catch every nuance of Andrew Rannells's ad-libbing--and, still, you'll have a nagging suspicion you've missed something. Your dog will poop on the kitchen floor, in the hallway, between the tiny bars of his crate. He'll announce his wakefulness at 5 AM, 2 AM, or while you and another human are mid-coitus. All this, and you get outside, and it's: "Don't let him pee on my tulips!" When...
3 comments
Read more

The Death of Bergoglio

  It's frustrating for me to hear Bergoglio described as "the less awful pope"--because awful is still awful. I think I get fixated on ideas of purity, which can be juvenile, but putting that aside, here are some things that Bergoglio could have done and did not. (I'm quoting from a survivor of sexual abuse at the hands of the Church.) He could levy the harshest penalty, excommunication, against a dozen or more of the most egregious abuse enabling church officials. (He's done this to no enablers, or predators for that matter.) He could insist that every diocese and religious order turn over every record they have about suspected and known abusers to law enforcement. Francis could order every prelate on the planet to post on his diocesan website the names of every proven, admitted and credibly accused child molesting cleric. (Imagine how much safer children would be if police, prosecutors, parents and the public knew the identities of these potentially dangerous me...
1 comment
Read more

Raymond Carver: "What's in Alaska?"

Outside, Mary held Jack's arm and walked with her head down. They moved slowly on the sidewalk. He listened to the scuffing sounds her shoes made. He heard the sharp and separate sound of a dog barking and above that a murmuring of very distant traffic.  She raised her head. "When we get home, Jack, I want to be fucked, talked to, diverted. Divert me, Jack. I need to be diverted tonight." She tightened her hold on his arm. He could feel the dampness in that shoe. He unlocked the door and flipped the light. "Come to bed," she said. "I'm coming," he said. He went to the kitchen and drank two glasses of water. He turned off the living-room light and felt his way along the wall into the bedroom. "Jack!" she yelled. "Jack!" "Jesus Christ, it's me!" he said. "I'm trying to get the light on." He found the lamp, and she sat up in bed. Her eyes were bright. He pulled the stem on the alarm and b...
1 comment
Read more