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On Empathy

 For a long while, I thought there was one proper response to another person's pain; the response was a kind of bullying-disguised-as-cheerfulness.


If someone said, "I hate the cold!" ....you could say, "Nonsense! Cold weather is vivifying, and the snow is so pretty!" You might imagine your friend would then say, "Of course! How could I have been so foolish?" But in fact you'd get a puzzled--or even a hurt--stare.

My knee-jerk bad habit almost emerged last night, when my husband mentioned his distress about the Bengals and the Super Bowl. I almost said--cruelly--something ridiculous, i.e. "Every city deserves a chance!" But I was able to see and hear myself, and I ended my statement before it started. This was a victory!

One of my favorite observations about empathy occurs in "The Moons of Jupiter," by Alice Munro. The narrator is sitting with her ailing father, who has always shown derision toward her writing career. (Of course the derision conceals pride.) The father mentions, mournfully, that his upcoming surgery has "just a high chance of working." And the narrator--looking to wound her father--puts on a broad smile and uses a chirpy voice, and says, "A high chance is something to be grateful for!"

I also admire "Better Things," which seems to be a five-year study of empathy. When Sam Fox is strong, she can tolerate and forgive really inexcusable things. For example, her daughter, Max, wants a high-school graduation party, and her list of desires includes: "a keg, and no Mom on the premises." Sam has to balance her frustration and even her rage with something like pride: My daughter is learning to ask for the things she wants. This is an extraordinary scene.

Additionally, "Better Things" shows us Sam's ex-husband, over and over. We're left to wonder exactly why this man is so damaged; it's hinted that he never had responsibilities, even in adulthood. He is like a child. Sam can see this--and, at times, she seems close to something like detachment and compassion. But then the anger comes back: Sam finds herself fantasizing about a hired hit man, or about a public shaming, an act of retaliation. A great facet of "Better Things" is that Sam never quite lands in one place: When she seems near acceptance, she veers back toward sophomoric behavior. And vice versa. This seems (to me) an accurate depiction of life.

The Bengals did, indeed, play last night. I turned to my spouse and said, "I get it. It sucks."

This was a nice (nice-ish?) way to end the weekend.
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