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On Broadway

 I have tried to become a shusher. This is because of a novel called "Florence Gordon," about a woman who stands up for herself.


In that novel, Florence observes a man cutting in a CVS line. She approaches him calmly and says, "You've upset all these people behind you. You don't take what is not yours, you don't touch anyone without permission, and you don't cut in line. It's called civilization."

The key to shushing is to be deeply kind. You say, "I'm sorry, I'm just having trouble hearing the show...." Of course, you have nothing to be sorry about--but that's just a little slice of political fiction. It's a social lubricant.

My greatest shushing moment occurred in "Kimberly Akimbo." I politely informed the man next to me that his phone really couldn't and shouldn't make any guest appearances in Act Two. Fortunately, Act Two is completely thrilling--so, even if my request had little staying power, the writers "had my back." 

I had less success with the climax of "Hamilton." That's partly because the offender with the gummy bears was a child--and you can't really confront a child in a theater. You have to involve the parent, and things just get complicated. Also, the climax of "Hamilton" is genuinely boring. After Washington retires, the show loses steam. You don't believe me? Go back and watch again. I really felt for the girl with gummy bears--and part of me wished I had my own chewy treats to keep me company.

There's a general impression that audience etiquette is deteriorating; someone is following HRC to Broadway musicals and pooping next to her...on the floor. In London, drunken viewers are peeing themselves during a Whitney Houston musical. I don't really know if things are worse now than they were 100 years ago--but I did notice new, special pleas in my Saturday 4/15 "Parade" playbill. "Please don't be rude to the ushers! Please don't sing along to any of the songs!"

I'm anticipating the next new printed insert...."Please keep your poop in your colon...."
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