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Lexapro Diary

 I'm in a silent fight with Audra McDonald.


She always tells this story in interviews. "I was a hyperactive child, very averse to school. I was failing. And my parents were educators. I'm certainly not judging anyone, not judging any choices, but MY parents said, We are NOT trying Ritalin. Audra will cope through THEATER CLASSES. And the rest is history."

I find this story irritating--because *of course* Audra McDonald is being judgmental. Of course the subtext is: Ritalin is a weaker choice. And I want to remind Audra that she attempted suicide at Juilliard. So: Did theater class really accomplish everything she was hoping for?

My own diagnosis is "adjustment disorder," and Lexapro has been a welcome aide. ("I'm not judging anyone who chooses Lexapro, but....") I can tell you about "adjustment disorder." It's basically this. If you were in public, and you saw someone acting in a thoughtless way, you might raise your eyebrows. But, instead, I see this, and I enter a spiral of rumination, and I am still thinking about the rude behavior after hours (and hours and hours) have elapsed.

Right now, I have a pushy, obnoxious client, and my husband advises a "Cary Grant" approach. Be suave, charm the pants off that asshole. It's amazing to me that--at 42--I don't intuitively understand that this is the right course of action. I first have to draft a blunt, exasperated email: "YOU ARE BEING PUSHY AND OBNOXIOUS." I need a calm observer to steer me in another direction.

Thank God for marriage--and for retail therapy. And for Lexapro. I don't mean to be judgmental toward Audra McDonald, but....
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