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On Not Running

*The exercise shorts I use were purchased approximately fifteen years ago, at a Foot Locker. They were crappy then; they are crappier now. Any elastic in the waist is now gone, so that, when I run, I must keep one hand clutched around the waist....so I don't moon anyone.

*The other hand grasps my iPhone, which brings me to Problem Number Two. I have not updated my music in over a year. And, at that point, the selection wasn't so great anyway. How often can I listen to Taylor Swift's "King of My Heart"? This was never a strong song. It is certainly not a song that merits seventy thousand airings.

*I can't take an interest in running footwear, so I just purchase the first cheap thing I see on the New Balance site. But the shoes turn out to be hideous--they seem to borrow a design idea from medieval mesh armor--and then I realize I *do* sort of care what my running sneakers look like.

*If you run, you're encouraged to stretch "properly" before and after, and then that's just a whole other thing.

*Running requires locking the front door--because murderous former naval officers and pedophiles posing as "talent scouts" are lurking everywhere--and locking the door requires finding the keys, identifying the proper silver key among several other options, balancing the screen door with one's hip, checking one's work, etc.

Clearly: It's always best just to stay home!

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