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Diet Camp

In my twenties, I could eat more or less with impunity--quantity did not matter--and though I knew a rude awakening would happen in my thirties, I nevertheless didn't *know* a rude awakening would happen in my thirties.

*One of my wisest friends had advice. She was discussing the problem of eating-while-you-are-cooking. This is a problem because, as you cook, you have many delicious foods laid out before you. And you sample--and sample--and sample--over a forty, fifty-minute span, so that, by the time dinner is ready, you've actually consumed one dinner. You've had a dinner, and now you're sitting down to a second dinner. My friend listened to this complaint, and said: "Chew gum while you cook." And my mind exploded.

*Sometimes, my shrink interrupts my dieting stories with horror. "Butter? Don't cook with butter!" And: "Red peppers will do strange things to your stomach, especially as you age." And: "Remove the skin from the chicken. No milk in your coffee. Long walks throughout the day. No food after 6 PM." All of this is intriguing, but it makes me wonder if my shrink is an actual human, in the actual world. No food after 6 PM?

*My great ally is herbal tea--which I can shovel into my face without guilt--but then my bladder revolts at two in the morning, and three, and four, and five.

*Sometimes, to stop the evening eating, I try to will myself to brush my teeth at an absurdly early hour (e.g. 6 PM). I know, if I brush my teeth, I won't eat any more food, because the thought of brushing my teeth *a second time* will be overwhelming. So I try to use my laziness--my anti-toothbrush feelings--in my favor. But often the act of climbing the stairs to brush my teeth--just to come back downstairs and watch TV and not eat--seems Herculean. And I don't do it. So this toothbrush plot is more like a draft; it's more like an unrealized dream, a blueprint for privatized space travel; it's not happening yet. Maybe one day.

Those are my thoughts on food.

*P.S. I will be away for several days. I'll resume writing around July 8. Happy Summer!
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