Operating Instructions

In this house, we often think about poop.

Salvy is fighting a war of attrition with Susie. She goes, or I go. Salvy sometimes expresses himself by quietly pooping in Susie's room. The gesture is quiet, but the subtext is loud and clear.

Recently, we all began to think about potty training--for my son. And the speech therapist handed me a great gift. She said, "Wait until the third birthday. Boys are slower than girls, and a boy with a speech delay is particularly slow. I mean, you *could* try right now. It's just that you'll fail."

This made me chuckle. I thought of a deranged type-A overachiever--a Kristen Wiig character--determined to thwart the experts because early potty training is a must. I will be the first who does not fail!!!

My husband laughed, too. "Sure, it sounds really fun to potty train. Let's do it now--with the guaranteed-failure promise. Then, when the plan falls apart, we can start all over again in August!"

I giggled crazily.

"Actually," said my husband, "we could have Salvy manage the potty training. He could take his brother into Susie's room....show Josh the ropes...."

We happily imagined our child and our dog together--pooping on a hardwood floor.

I just want to record all this, right now, in case you're thinking about having children.

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