Liars and Saints

 The "Ray of Light" album--widely regarded as Madonna's magnum opus--uses "Frozen" as a lead single. This is a sequel to Madonna's own "Open Your Heart," and in fact, it employs the words "open," "your," and "heart." You're so consumed with how much you get. You waste your time with hate and regret. You're broken, when your heart's not open. The new lover has one foot out the door, and a part of Madonna is really irritated. But: ...Now there's no point in placing the blame. And you should know I suffer the same. If I lose you, my heart will be broken. It's interesting to see that, in some ways, Madonna has compassion for this guy ("There's no point in placing the blame"). There is a hint of Buddhist detachment between the lines; elsewhere, at this point in her career, Madonna is making allusions to "being an Ashtangi." Indeed, Madonna *empathizes* with the lover; she understa...

The poop issue ended--but not without a fight. Nurse Steffi called. "You really can't send your child to school when his diaper trend is like this," she said. "The poop spilled over the rim onto the carpet, and now we have to buy a new carpet." My id wanted to respond: "Cry me a river. This is why I pay taxes." No need to say anything, however, because Nurse Steffi was still talking. "The paraprofessionals are knocking on my door, complaining about the poop. They're even taking photos." At this point, there was an actual, audible knock. "I BELIEVE YOU!" screamed Nurse Steffi, not to me. "You don't need to show me! I am handling it!" Later, a speech therapist became philosophical with me. "I'm no doctor," she said, "but in my own life I've noticed that poop just gets much harder when it's aimed at the toilet, when it's not spilling into a diaper. So you might want to research potty tra...

 Even late in life, Arnold Lobel and James Marshall were still conversing through their work. Lobel's Caldecott winner, "Fables," imagines a trip to sea. Lobster takes Crab, who is nervous about a storm. The waves are crashing; the gusts of salty wind sting your face. Crab has a panic attack, then he recalls that he is an aquatic animal. He is content to sink to the ocean floor, and he thinks,  Even a small risk can add excitement to this life. A standard Lobel message: We're neurotic, and we invent our own problems, most of the time. As you can predict, Marshall does something bitchier. He has George the hippo insist on a sea voyage. George describes his "craft" as a great ship, but it's a cramped raft; he tells Martha, "Use your imagination." The irritating rain is a "fun squall": "Martha, use your imagination." Martha gets angry, and she shouts, "Look, a shark!" Having panicked, George states that he is not amus...

  "Kimberly Akimbo" is about many things, including time and mortality, and it's about the end of youth. A mom addresses the sky:   Father Time-- Slow down the day. Don't let the dark come and steal it away. For goodness' sake! We're still awake. And Baby wants to play. The show has several inversions; for example, Mom (Alli Mauzey) has the breathless voice of a teenager, and the actual teenager (Victoria Clark) sounds like Joan Sutherland. Mom appeals to "Father Time" (maybe because Mom still feels like a child). Father Time-- Hold back the night. Please let the sun stay, and We'll be all right. Tell the Man in the Moon... It's much too soon To be turning out the light. This is like the opposite of a lullaby. Generally, a mother sings directly to her baby, and the command is: "Go to sleep." But, here, Baby is a bystander; also, the goal is to keep everyone awake. Baby's eyes are heavy now; Baby's breath is deep. Mommy wants...

Here is what I think about the Rihanna performance. It wasn't catastrophic. But if people are debating about quality, several weeks later, then something didn't work. There is a whiff of defensiveness, if you're insisting, "She was AMAZING!" I stayed in and watched Dial M for Murder. The next day, my husband tried to introduce me to highlight clips, and I thought about Grace Kelly. She never won an Oscar with Hitchcock. "Poor Mahomes," said Marc. "He has this exhausting game, then he has to truck his family to Disney World. But wouldn't you want to be in the crowd? Look at this parade!" People say that Dial M was a kind of audition for Rear Window . Hitchcock had an interest in confined space, and he needed the Stewart/Kelly combo before he could say what he really wanted to say. Marc showed me a sea of red tee shirts outside the KC train station. This was terrifying; it made me think of the Russian Revolution, in 1917. "Do you need an...

 *"Song of Spider-Man." This is an amazing memoir about the ill-fated musical,  Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark . (Our guide is the "book" writer for that show, Glen Berger.) This memoir made me laugh so hard, I started to cry. At one point, Spider-Man is supposed to have a big Act One climactic moment; he swings out toward the audience, and the lights go off. But his rope gets snared, one night, so he just dangles above the crowd. Someone tries to swat him with a stick. A paying customer in the audience shouts, "I've had enough!" And later she compares the theatrical experience to being a frog in a pot of water, on a flame; she says, "There is failure after failure, and then you realize you're done." *"Are You a Cow?" Another Sandra Boynton classic, where the title just "sings." And the opening lines are unbeatable: "Hey, I'm a chicken! Yes, it's true. Tell me, tell me: What are you?" ....Literary mast...

 "SVU" is like a sprawling campus novel with a focus on power. This season, cops have been explicit about how crime works: One person identifies an especially vulnerable member of society, and preys on that member. If you're vulnerable, you can't defend yourself. A gang leader targets and rapes migrant women--because it's not clear how the women would fight back. The gang leader then enlists the children of these women to carry out attacks in bodegas and in subways. Elsewhere, in a jail, a powerful prisoner identifies a terrified new inmate as a candidate for rape: Once "branded," the voiceless inmate is violated again and again. Last week's "SVU" centered on Dutch, an enraged man in his thirties who spent years in jail because of a negligible drug incident. Having been terrorized in jail, Dutch chooses terror in the present day: He breaks down a door, waits in darkness, then points a gun at a cop. Later, he comes close to killing the man w...

 I do not have the best coping skills--and I'm concerned this trait has reproduced itself in my daughter. Having read nothing about antibiotics, I thought it would be a genius move to disguise amox-clav in a cup of Lactaid. My daughter took one sip and threw her cup to the floor. In fact, the "disguise" method can backfire--because your child then rejects *both* the medicine and the life-sustaining milk that you try to give to her.  I attempt sing-song cheeriness; I attempt loud, exaggerated empathy; I attempt effusive praise. Eventually, I grow weary, and I try to level with my daughter: "This drug just isn't all  that  bad." (My spouse objects to this approach; quietly, he says, "Listen, she is gagging.") I do think that my daughter is wonderfully literary; she has a fondness for Sandra Boynton that seems off-the-charts. (If you try to tell me that every child in America has this same level of fondness, I will politely disagree.) I'm on a cam...

  *The gay men (Sondheim, Laurents) noticed young Barbra's extraordinary voice, but they also noticed her sexual charisma. Young Barbra had an affair with her "Funny Girl" stage partner (a son of Charlie Chaplin), then she had an affair with Omar Sharif, then she had an affair with Ryan O'Neal. There is speculation she tried to seduce Robert Redford, but I'm not sure Barbra herself has confirmed this story. *Streisand clashed with Arthur Laurents (who made enemies wherever he traveled). In her Broadway debut, Streisand continuously altered her big number. Laurents said, "You have no discipline. You don't know how to *freeze* a performance." Late in life, Laurents conceded defeat to Streisand. "You were right to experiment, to push yourself. And I was wrong." *Once, there was a crazy plan to make a sequel to "The Way We Were." Robert Redford was going to begin an affair with a plucky young reporter. Eventually, Redford would discov...

  Sandra Boynton has written several stone-cold classics; high on the list is "Happy Hippo, Angry Duck." The title "owns" the reader. How could you not open the front cover? Then, the first lines are simple, direct, and engaging: Hello, Little Person! How ARE you today? Is your mood quite terrific-- Or only okay? Boynton's imagination now climbs to the stratosphere; she has invented a gallery of animals with strong feelings. We accept that these animals exist, because Boynton says that they exist. "Perhaps, like a pig, you are sweetly amused. Perhaps, like a cow, you're completely confused." "Are you happy like a hippo? Are you angry like a duck? Are you sad like a chicken? Can you sadly say,  cluck, cluck ?" Having exposed children to several emotions, Boynton ends with hard-earned wisdom: I hope you are happy-- But if you are not-- You have friends who will help you. We like you a lot. And a difficult mood is not here to stay-- Everyone...

 We're told the truth will set us free, but I don't think that always works, with parenting. My child's doctor gives me a solemn look. "While Joshie's system adjusts to the antibiotic, you really want to stick with *binding* foods. You want to lay off the vegetables. Sorry to say. As much as I love veggies for a little boy...." I nod, as if this is a dramatic adjustment. As if a vegetable has (successfully) crossed paths with my son--at any point--in the past three years. As if my son doesn't live off Lactaid, Chex cereal, and an occasional meatball. I wonder: Where are the babies who gobble up steamed cauliflower every night? I pretend that I know these babies; yes, sure, I have these babies in my own home. My husband takes Josh to the pediatric dentist, who says Josh has really *mastered* his teeth-brushing routine. Marc and I are so shocked, we can't speak. Here is what the brushing routine really looks like. One of us gives the brush to our son, wh...

 Here is my understanding of "Say a Little Prayer." A woman has "breathed through" her boyfriend's departure; he is off to Vietnam. Though the woman is ostensibly making her way through mundane weekday life, she is really, spiritually, in a jungle, guiding this one guy above and around and under the paths of various bullets: The moment I wake up, before I put on my makeup-- I say a little prayer for you. (It seems to me that Hal David had an impact on Sondheim: "The sun comes up, I think about you. The coffee cup, I think about you.") Our heroine hoists herself out of bed: While combing my hair now, and wondering what dress to wear now-- I say a little prayer for you. And, inevitably, we make our way into the office: At work, I just take time--and all through my coffee-break time-- I say a little prayer for you. The yearning becomes overwhelming; the speaker forgets she is praying to God, and instead directs her pleas to the guy in Vietnam: My darling,...

 I'm a real believer in titles. I think a strong title sends a message: "This work knows what it's about."  Breaking Bad ,  Follies, Casablanca, The Lion King, Yellowjackets, Pride and Prejudice : These are punchy, confident titles. You feel you might be in good hands. Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark  is a weak title;  American Dirt  is a weak title. These titles say: "Maybe think twice before you trust the writer. Maybe consider the thought of heading for the hills...." I believe that  80 for Brady  is a terrific title; it's fresh, it tells you what the movie is; it's funny. And it's attached to a good movie. The movie tells a "quest" tale: The Holy Grail is a set of tickets to the 2017 Super Bowl.  Lily Tomlin pleads with a radio DJ for the quartet of free tickets. "My friends and I are 80. We all love the Patriots; we bond over this, and the games help us forget cancer, death, a divorce...." We're led to think that Tomlin...

 I'm alarmed by some of the metaphors of parenting. I sit with my child's pediatrician. I explain that the anti-diarrhea diet has caused constipation. In an effort to steer my child away from constipation, I'm worried I'm now encouraging diarrhea. "Ah, yes," says the pediatrician. "That old Catch-22." And I want to stop her there. "Catch-22" is military language. To be excused from war, you have to prove you're insane. But desiring a reason to opt out of combat is, in fact, the definition of sanity. Is my child's eating behavior really a problem as intractable as the endless cycle of warfare? A parent-friend complains that her son isn't doing homework, and I find myself invoking the bad cop/good cop routine. "One side of you gives straight talk about consequences, the harsh reality of high school....and the other side of you offers bribes, like TV time in exchange for an impressive grade...." I wonder, though, if a chi...

  I don't know the extent to which Bowen Yang writes material, but I'm happy about his success, and I feel that he speaks for me, week after week. The George Santos skit seemed to write itself. I do like the sense that the lunacy increased, from lie to lie. "I received an Oscar from President Zelensky." "I was the first African-American to dunk a football." Finally, Bowen Yang appears in drag, as Kitara Ravache, and he says: "I am the virgin that Madonna mentions, in  Like a Virgin ." To me, however, the true genius of Yang is evident in the "Titanic" skit from several months ago. Here, Yang mocks the American tendency to lob softball questions at celebrities, when there is clearly a scandal going unmentioned. (For example, right now you can see Rihanna telling various reporters that she wants to perform at the Super Bowl to "set an example for children," but reporters seem to tiptoe around the problematic racial and legal histo...

 Alice is thirty years old, and she's in a bad relationship. This guy, Simon, watches what she eats and attacks her if the snacking becomes "excessive." He ridicules her ideas in public. He tries to isolate her by suggesting that she does not need her friends. When a work obligation comes up, Simon says, "I thought you were going to reach higher than that job." Additionally, Simon doesn't observe boundaries; he invades a "retreat weekend," and he sends endless text messages, asking for erotic selfies. Finally, Simon insists on sex when it's clear that his girlfriend is anxious or uninterested, or both; I have not seen so much bad sex on-screen since the end of Lena Dunham's "Girls." If Simon is a mess, it's also really difficult to spend time with Alice. She loathes herself; she believes that she is "bad." She pulls little clumps of hair from her head; she twists hair around her finger until her skin turns purple. Wh...

  I'm so eager to write about something that is not my children; I'll go ahead and tell you about the Super Bowl. My husband has mostly held himself together this week, although he did indicate to me that I need to rub his head once per day. "This is because you rubbed my head before last week's Chiefs victory, and so now it's an important, magical ritual....." The look in his eyes is special:  This is just a way of satirizing rabid fandom, but also, something actually like rabies is happening, in my head and heart....right now.... My husband casually informed me that he will need to hold an Elmo doll throughout the big game, because "I was holding Elmo when we last won, so God was telling me something...." My own eyes are on Rihanna. Why the about-face? She had real issues with the NFL a few years ago; she even wrote about her distaste in a song. "You need me; I don't need you." So much has changed. Also, Rihanna is a billionaire. It s...

 So much of my daily life is family time, and I'm always happy to find great writing that is specifically about the things that occur in one house. My husband and I like the show "Catastrophe," in part because it feels like a documentary about our own marriage. For example, in one episode, the central couple fields a question from friends:  Will you care for our son if we die?  This would seem to be a no-brainer, but we follow the central couple back home, where a debate occurs.  What's in this for us? Do we get the beach house if A and B both die? What if B doesn't die--but he is comatose for years? That means we're taking care of B *in addition to* his son? His son has this growing acting career....If we become his godparents, we might have an *in* with Daniel Radcliffe....and Susan Sarandon.... To me, this is all of marriage, in three or four minutes. Unforgettable. The other domestic drama I love is "Ramona and Her Father," by Beverly Cleary. The...

  "You're forty," says the doctor. "This means we're soon going to need to take a good, long look at your prostate. And your colon. Soon. Not now. But that's on the horizon." I have always felt like an elderly man in a not-yet-elderly body. Right now, two pop-culture events have consumed all my attention: Bonnie Raitt winning a big Grammy, and Kathy Bates returning to TV in a "re-mount" of "Matlock." When other people aren't abuzz with these matters, I'm actually surprised. My husband returns from work, and I ask if all his colleagues have been chattering about Raitt. Marc gives me a pitying look, and, in a gentle way, he says, "No." I understand that I am forty because my mouth is beginning to shut down; for a long while, dentists have urged me to get a mouthguard, so that I stop grinding my teeth. The teeth inflict pressure on the gums, which have now receded like the edges of the Great Salk Lake. I tend to drown o...

  To me, the greatest of all picture books is "The Snowy Day": It tells a complete story, it uses very few words, it has memorable characters, and it's visually striking. I'm thrilled that the new Caldecott winner is in the tradition of Ezra Jack Keats; its author is Doug Salati, an "EJ Keats Illustrator Honor" recipient. The book, called "Hot Dog," re-tells "The Snowy Day," with key details altered. Our protagonist (an unnamed dog) is moved not by cold, but by heat; an unbearable city day becomes an excuse to travel to the beach. There, the dog has adventures, collecting pebbles, bartering with a seal, racing against a tiny crab. Both "Snow Day" and "Hot Dog" end in a reassuring way. Peter--concerned that he'll never see more snow--discovers that yesterday's white mounds still exist today. Salati's "hot dog" finds that he can immediately revisit the beach, and the seals--at least in his dreams. I...

  Bonnie Raitt has won many Grammy Awards but now--this year--she is making her debut in the songwriter category. She is in her seventies, and she could be on the verge of winning her first songwriter prize. After a few fallow years, Raitt was inspired to make a new recording in the early days of Covid. People were dying. Moved by a particular news item, Raitt wrote a kind of short story, a song called "Just Like That." In this song, a woman observes a stranger circling the block. He pauses before knocking, "like all he has is time." (The woman is older, and maybe she is thinking about her own mortality; she is gently making fun of the young man at the door.) The young man apologizes and says "the directions weren't too clear." (And, in life, the directions are rarely clear!) The woman is surprised to find herself admitting the guy into her house--but "something gives me ease." Here, the song makes an extraordinary jump. The woman gives us ac...

  There is a certain kind of SVU story I miss, in which one self-contained mystery fills an hour; you have a closed set of suspects, and you know the celebrity is the killer. (And the celebrity doesn't make a major appearance until Act III, after various obviously innocent suspects have been discarded.) Did the delivery boy do it? No. Did the mailman do it? No. In fact, the killer was  Angela Lansbury ! Did the fashion photographer taint the vodka? No. How about the lighting designer? No. In fact, it was  Isabelle Huppert ! I have been half-awake for recent SVU hours, and I missed last night, but my understanding of the BX9 story is this: An evil crime lord rapes women and hangs their underwear in a forest. Then he shows the forest to a young child and says, "If you don't work with me, I'll rape your mom again." (This makes me think of Hutu forces in Rwanda, recruiting children in the Tutsi genocide.) One victimized child is Albert; he agrees to work with the crim...

  I'm still amazed by the number of times I'm saying "poop" in a serious conversation. My child's teacher asks for "butt paste," and I'm startled. "Butt paste" is a puzzling term to hear, if you're a gay man. I understand, suddenly, that the request is for Desitin, and I work hard not to giggle. The teacher reports that my son "pooped again," and I become a detective in a film noir. "Exactly what time was the poop?" I ask. I wonder why this question is relevant.  The teacher assembles a team of paraprofessionals; I hear testimony from several witnesses. "Runny." "It seemed to start to crawl up his back." I ponder: What is my face meant to do in this scene? What is being asked of me, here and now? In her memoir, Mary Rodgers advises all parents not to get too stressed about toilet training. "No one gets married in a diaper," she writes. "If someone *does* get married in a diaper....w...

 Great characters make a solid book. "Waco" has three memorable people: *David Koresh. This was a terrible human being; he raped children, and it seems he had a fondness for corporal punishment. It's interesting to note that survivors of Waco have *not* renounced Koresh; survivors continue to think he knew what he was talking about. (By contrast, Manson people now know that Manson was a conman; Jim Jones people now understand that Jim Jones was a con.) Koresh did not have far-right beliefs, but, in death, he has become a tool for far-right figures (pro-Trump insurrectionists, Alex Jones). By dying in such a catastrophic way, Koresh became a figurehead. Now, when an insurrectionist is feeling agitated, he might make a reference to "Waco 2.0." *Janet Reno. Although Koresh was awful, the federal government can be problematic, as well. You can acknowledge this without becoming a conspiracy theorist. The ATF understood that a "surprise" raid would no longer...