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Dad Diary

 The speech therapist gives me a weary look. "Anxiety is the buzz word," she says, in a Bette Davis voice. "You're going to hear about anxiety."


And, indeed, that's the topic that the new doctor wants to discuss. It turns out that everything is a function of anxiety: eating, pooping, sleeping. "What can you control, in your early years? What goes into your body, and what comes out. If you're experiencing inner turmoil, you can act out by refusing to use the potty."


My spouse and I are referred to a "behavior coach." She seems friendly. On a Zoom call, she offers certain suggestions: "You may not know this, but a child can sometimes imagine all of life is just...No. Stop. Don't. No. Stop. Don't. And it's possible to make a modification. Catch your child being good! Look for chances to give positive feedback! .....Also," she says, "you can teach your other child to advocate for herself. She could say, Please wait one moment....And this works wonders....."


The behavior coach will serve up more tidbits such as these--via Zoom--for a mere $300 (per hour).


"Jesus Fucking Christ," says my husband, after the call. "We're going to buy her a beach house, so she can send us a PowerPoint deck? A deck that says, Praise your child--?"


Well, maybe. Stay tuned.


P.S. I'm away for the next few days. See you soon.

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