My career coach is a sunny person, and she just wrote a piece called "Little Santas Everywhere," about Good Samaritans spreading the joy of the season. And I'd like to reply, with brief thoughts about people I loathe.
*The couple behind me at the Jersey Gardens AMC. You talked all the way through the somber neo-Nazi drama, "The Order." This wasn't "Hairspray" or "Jumanji." It was a quiet, challenging film about obsession. What were you thinking? As Broadway star Laura Benanti recently said, in reference to her colleague, Zachary Levi: "Fuck off forever."
*The woman in my neighborhood. My dog was pooping at the side of a sidewalk; no "poop-free" signs appeared anywhere nearby. I was clearly holding a poop bag, ready to clean up. You stopped, craned your neck to make eye contact with me, then gasped in a dramatic, stagy way. Then you walked off. I still have no idea what you wished to communicate. My comment, then, was "Good morning!" But what I really meant was this: "Fuck off forever."
*My former boss. You told me that my student shouldn't quote Oprah in her college essay, because that move is "quite cliche." Fair enough, but do you know about another cliche? It's this: referring to something as "quite cliche." What I can't accept is that you worried Oprah had forfeited her social power by not seeming adequately magnanimous during the Hawaii wildfires--and that a college admissions stooge somewhere might have deep feelings of hatred for Oprah, might nurture and cherish those feelings, and might then punish my student for having failed to develop the same wildfire-related feelings of hatred toward Oprah. You are a ridiculous human being. Fuck off forever.
Any questions? Send a SASE, and I'll be in touch.
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