Things I Hate in Maplewood

 To feel more "involved" in my community, I've been listing the suburban quirks that I hate the most. See below.

*The blowout toddler birthday parties. This is an entire industry--I'm guilty of participating. You pay four hundred dollars to a slovenly stranger, so that he can produce oddly shaped bubbles from a dirty vat. The *kids* don't need this--the kids are fully entertained by a stick and a cardboard box. Whom is the "bubble man" really for?

*Our bookstore is closed on Mondays. I find this so profoundly irritating. Imagine if "Three Lives," in Greenwich Village, suddenly, inexplicably, reduced its hours of operation by one-seventh. It's absurd.

*I have a new nemesis. Let me explain. A few years ago, the actor Zachary Levi made a billion enemies by suggesting that Gavin Creel's death was linked with Creel's decision to get the Covid vaccine. And Laura Benanti said, "I always knew Levi was an obnoxious bully. He made everyone in 'She Loves Me' participate in loud, compulsory dance parties--and people said, Isn't that fun? And I said, No. It's not fun. He is a vampire. He sucks all of the oxygen out of the room." My own new nemesis is Rhea, and she runs the "Maplewood Moms." She routinely yells at me--and at the entire town--and the text is literally the following: "HEY, YOU! Yeah! You! Go and vote today!!!" Then she demands that I show (or feign) enthusiasm for her particular candidate. She is the worst.