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My Weekend

 There is that peculiar strain of masochism -- the strain that leads parents to host kiddo parties free of alcohol, free of sunlight, free of food. Last weekend, my family went to "the Funplex," a kind of dungeon in which small children assault one another with foam bricks.


"You can tell times have changed," said one dad. "Now, all the arcade games are, like, virtual reality games."

I would rather eat glass than participate in this conversation. "So crazy!" I said. "Times change!"

What a relief it is to have pop music. At some point, Carly Rae Jepsen's breakout hit began to play. Really charming. What people fail to note is that the music video is icing on the cake -- Carly Rae falls for a local guitarist but discovers, in the climactic moments, that he is gay. I would cross a lake of fire for Carly Rae Jepsen. She is now working on a musical with Lena Dunham. At the party, Sunday, there were exactly zero dads who could discuss this topic with me.

My son became frustrated by the absence of food, so he began exposing himself and tampering with strangers' iPhones. 

Later, the sound system switched to "I'm Glad You Came," a naughty spin on the standard "Backstreet Boys" playbook. In "I'm Glad You Came," the boys sing about a vaginal orgasm. 

Turn the lights out now--
Now I'll take you by the hand.
Hand you another drink--
Drink it if you can...
Stay with me! I can make...
Make you glad you came....

I approached the host. "Can't wait to do this again!" I said. By this phase, the truck from Papa John's had finally arrived. Off in the corner, a scintillating chat had bubbled up. ("My kid doesn't like chocolates....Can you BELIEVE that?") Cups of pink lemonade were spilling their contents onto the floor. As I left, I heard a kind of refrain or chant: "Sweetheart, would you eat just one bite of your pizza? Just one bite?"

That was my weekend.








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