Liars and Saints

 Sometimes, my friend seems like a Kripalu counselor, and not a speech therapist living in South Orange. "You're having trouble with the bedtime routine?" she says. "Each step should be full of sensory delight. Your son should actually eagerly look forward to all of the little tasks before sleep. Taking a bath should be a soothing journey; the bubbles should calm and reassure him." My son throws himself out of the bath, nude, and grabs a framed picture from the wall. He tosses it off the balcony, so it splats on the wooden floor far, far below. "Attention!" he shouts. "It's HAMMER TIME!" "Hi, Josh," says my spouse. "Did you enjoy your soothing sensory experience?" It's fun to see my son's mind expanding, and to hear the evidence. He now knows to barter; if bedtime is approaching, he will request to "see the beach," "take a drive," "watch a storytime." If he attempts something new a...

Here is the start of an amazing story, "Me Talk Pretty One Day": At the age of forty-one, I am returning to school and having to think of myself as what my French textbook calls "a true debutant." After paying my tuition, I was issued a student ID, which allows me a discounted entry fee at movie theaters, puppet shows, and Festyland, a far-flung amusement park that advertises with billboards picturing a cartoon stegosaurus sitting in a canoe and eating what appears to be a ham sandwich. Sedaris thinks about the rhythm of his sentences. The punchline--"debutant," "ham sandwich"--is at the very end. But here's the thing that is really special about him. Most people would write a cute "culture clash" essay about France: "Look, Paris is really crazy!" But Sedaris understands that he has a real opportunity to write about something much more interesting, i.e., social anxiety: I remind myself that I am now a full-grown man. No on...

 Sondheim loved ambivalence, and he loved Comden and Green. These two could find a poem in a small moment of tension: Where has the time all gone to? Haven't done half the things we want to. Oh well, we'll catch up some other time. The speaker is upset that a playdate is ending. He had a big bag of time and now--magically--it's empty. Just when the fun is starting-- Comes the time for parting. But let's just be glad for what we had-- And what's to come... If you have to command yourself to feel glad, it's likely you don't feel glad. There is a hint of melancholy in between the lines. There's so much more embracing Still to be done, but time is racing. Oh well, we'll catch up some other time. That last line is repeated, and repeated, and repeated. It's like the speaker has to persuade himself it's true. And who knows if we'll catch up some other time? That's life. Time is racing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xVRVfqAV0s

  I'm at my most ridiculous when I take my children to the Cheesecake Factory; I try to get both kids to watch iPhone screens, as if to trick them. "We're not actually having the experience we're having. We are with Princess Ariel, in a secret aquatic Versailles!" Always, I order from the "Skinnylicious" menu, because I think it's absurd. I can picture the Cheesecake CEO. "Americans are so dumb, we can tell them certain kinds of smothered steak will make them skinny! The steak won't just be a reduced-calorie-intake scenario. It will actually  remove  weight from the diner. It will make the diner look like Gwyneth Paltrow!" It's probably better to eat "al fresco." The children are always slightly calmer if they're in the open air. But the Cheesecake Factory is a known quantity--and if you go somewhere with outdoor seating, you're risking chaos. Recently, a stoner waiter forgot the kids' order three times--and I ...

  "Theater Camp" has problems: It's a rip-off of an Anna Kendrick movie ("Camp"), and it's inferior to the movie it is ripping off. It's cute when a little kid tries to sing "Epiphany" from "Sweeney Todd," but we've already seen this joke. Kendrick did "The Ladies who Lunch" in her movie, "Camp." But there is one lovely, weird story within "Theater Camp," and I wasn't expecting this: Secretly, the movie is about outgrowing a friendship. It's about being in your twenties and recognizing that a certain bond has changed, not because of any kind of enmity, but just because of life. At the center of "Theater Camp," a gay man and his bestie have a co-dependent arrangement ("We're codependent!"); they are not the actors they want to be, but at least they can have a laugh as camp counselors. Each year, they write a new musical together; this one show is the annual prestige proj...

   "Freaks and Geeks" seems like a spiritual sequel to "My So-Called Life."  Famously, "Life" begins when its teen protagonist dyes her hair and decides she wants a new best friend. "Geeks" starts with its heroine renouncing the Mathletes--and skipping Latin class on a Tuesday. The heroine--Linda Cardellini--has a new crush (Jason Segel). The crush takes her to his garage to show off his drum set, and he offers unsolicited advice: "You have to find the one thing that you live for. The thing that throws on all the lights. And just live for that. I'm nuts about these drums. My drums are why I am on this planet...." Later, Cardellini's father is enraged about the missed Latin class. "It's only the basis for our entire civilization. I believe that Janis Joplin skipped some of her classes. And do you know what happened to her? She died." Cardellini's mother deploys another kind of tactic: "I'm just relieved...

 Sometimes, I think I live in a Richard Russo novel. Russo writes beautifully (and a little viciously) about small-town life. In one novel, a large portion of a cemetery is set aside for flat graves--and a resident of the town observes that people are just going to drive over the graves (making a shortcut from Blockbuster to the grocery store). Unthinkable! But the pitiless resident is correct. In Russo's new book, a candidate for office wants ads that say: "We're Not Happy Until You're Happy." But he fails to notice an error in the printing; actually, the ads say, "We're Not Happy Until You're Not Happy." My town has bad drivers, but also confusing traffic signs. When people complain about the signs, a loud minority says, "It's not the signs! It's bad driving! People just need to learn to  drive better !" ....Curiously, this refrain seems to accomplish nothing.  My husband tried to address the issue by posting a photo of a car ...